I am nuts. I don’t mean in a figurative sense either. I am nuts and I’ve got meds to prove it. I don’t hear voices in my head (anymore) but there are certain things that set me off.
For example, my husband, Lloyd. The other night we were sitting on the couch sharing the last of some very tasty ranch crackers. Or at least I thought we were sharing until Lloyd says, “Hey, I thought you were on a diet.”
Hey, I thought you knew to mind your business.
My kids will be perfectly fine until the moment my butt hits the couch. I have tried to deactivate the pressure sensitive trigger they have hidden in the cushions but I have yet to locate it. Maybe I’ll call the FCC. I’m pretty sure there are some illegal radio frequencies being transmitted.
My family is slowly driving me to insanity through sleep deprivation and the cat is the ring leader. It hasn’t been too bad at night lately but trying to get a nap is nearly impossible. But sometimes when I actually do have a day when there aren’t dishes to do, toys to pick up, clothes to fold, or God forbid, I should get sick I like to lay down to rest. Now my husband can lay down and be asleep before his head hits the pillow. It takes me a little while to put stuff out of my mind and relax. Having said this the very minute- strike that- the very second I finally drift off to sleep something happens. For example, the phone rings, the cat is meowing (because my husband forgot to feed her, again.), there’s a knock at the door, one of the kids wakes up, the alarm clock goes off because my kids were playing with it, etc. etc. etc. I am 99% sure that after I go to bed at night they all get together to plot their next moves.
I have yet to find hard evidence but I’ve seen the looks they give each other. And I’m pretty sure that when the cat has a long meow followed by two short meows its a signal of some sort.
Why do people peel out of a side road, squealing tires to get ahead of me and then go 10 miles below the speed limit. If you are going to do this, I expect you to be hauling ass down the road in front of me. We were going slower than a one legged guy trying to pedal a bicycle up a hill. Think about it, you’ll get it.
How does my two year old pick the worst times to need to got to the bathroom? It’s never when we are just hanging around the house or when we are right by a bathroom. It’s always in the back of a big store like Target or Walmart when we are in a spot that could not be any further unless we worked in the back room. This is closely associated with the next one- I will ask Hannah, the aforementioned two year old, “Do you need to go to the potty?” when we are right near the bathroom. The answer is no… until we are five minutes past a toilet. For example in the car on our way to the grocery store right after we left the house. AARRGGHH!!!!!
My cable company. Period.
I can’t stand know-it-alls. Especially if it’s something I happen to know something about. I am a fairly educated person. I went to college. It might have taken me five years but I finally graduated. Some of those classes I took twice because I wanted to make sure I knew the information (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.) I’ve taken some graduate level classes and some continuing education classes. I am also a good pick to have on your team in a trivia game… Oh, wait. I am a know-it-all. Oooops. Make that I can’t stand other know-it-alls.